Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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