I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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