Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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