It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
