a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
