I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
