did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
