it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
