i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
