just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
