Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
