My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
