so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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