I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
