Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
