Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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