So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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