I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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