im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
