yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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