he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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