tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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