Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
