My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
