meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
