I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
