Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
