I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Of course I have a pirate flag
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
