he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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