i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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