It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
