so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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