if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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