fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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