i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
