so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
