If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
