Please, let me fuck your mom
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
