I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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