wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
