the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
