Your face is a jimmy john
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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