No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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