The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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