Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
