i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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