I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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