she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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