The maid of honor just puked.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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