This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
