Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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