swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
