I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
