i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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