My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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