$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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