Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
