I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
