tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
