I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
